The Shoulds
Releasing Unhealthy and Unhelpful Expectations
People often expect us to be at a certain place, whether that’s in our grief, in our work, in our relationships, or with our hobbies. “You should be ____ by now.” Those expectations can make us self-conscious, increase symptoms of anxiety, fear, and depression, and feel ashamed. We do this to ourselves, too. We should ourselves, and there are hardly any benefits to it. It is difficult to see hope and grow when the shoulds take over.
Creating expectations, whether our own or from others, during the grief process is harmful. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say a million more times: grief has no timeline. When we are told that we should be at a certain phase of our grief, we’re no longer allowing grief to do what it needs to. We worry that “we should be over this by now” or that others are thinking that. There are thoughts of “I shouldn’t still be crying,” or “I should be feeling ____ at this point.” There is no space for healing and growth in the shoulds.
Grief needs us to feel and accept each emotion. It grows with us but never fades away completely. What we grieve about a person may change over time, as does how we express that grief. If we put heavy expectations on needing to be at a certain point on a non-existent grief timeline, we slow the growth and healing, and, in a manner of speaking, we punish ourselves. We can’t allow others to shame us to be feeling or acting a specific way by how they believe we should either.
People should us all the time, and it never increases our confidence. It does the opposite. We must remember that others are often projecting when they are putting expectations on us that are unhealthy and not based in empathy (nor sympathy). The same can happen when we should ourselves.
Grace and patience are necessary when we are grieving*, and it’s helpful to be surrounded by people who sit with us each step of the way rather than put expectations on us that can make us feel ashamed. Notice who shoulds you when you are in pain, trying to grow, and finding hope in a mess, and, instead, find the people who give you the same grace and patience you aim to give yourself.
*And trying to achieve goals or work through other emotional distress
